This, is hard, to think and write about. Before you read this, I'd like to state I do not want any Comments, Notes, Page-comments or E-mails regarding this journal, and it's content.

Firstly, I owe people an apology of sorts. I kinda disappeared without a trace without much of an explanation. All I can say is, I was really hurt and needed to sort myself out, incase I did anything, or said anything stupid, hurtful or damaging to anyone. I wish that others might of had the heed to not start with the "They are this and that" sort of thing, because that just leads to more pain, more arguements, and more tears. Something I'm keen to avoid, but, alas, I can't see to, and to be honest, I've never had, or will have despite what you do or say, a bad word to say about you, or too you, and if I have said anything, that even remotely hurt you, then, I apologize for it.

I guess the way I am is summed up by my mum, who has been in therapy for family issues for a while. I saw her struggle because she felt like the abandoned child, and by proxy, struggled myself, especially as in my earlier years I was bullied and emotionally unstable. I know, people tried to help me, and it may seem that I didn't accept that help, but, for the most part, it was a) helpful, and b) appreciated. Despite what my actions, or demeanor had stated otherwise.

I am:
Naive
Unstable
Sometimes self-involved
And many more things that hurt just thinking about them.

I am not, and will never ever be:
Uncaring
Cold
Shallow
An emotional leech
And other things said about me, that also hurt remembering.

I've had a thought or two, from time to time, at each break up and how I've reacted. Some, I trundled in like the hurt puppy and then snapped and caused more damage than what was needed, lost some dear friends, and close friends doing that. Others, I've acted high and mighty like it's not my fault, when, ultimately, the blame can, and should be laid at my door. But I've never, hurt, and pined, and dreamed as I so often do, about this. I. I've had people I've struggled to get over in the past. This, this doesn't compare. It doesn't.

I have this expression. "Wear your heart on your sleeve, and you're gunna get burnt."
Well. I'm forever burning right now.

But. I guess it doesn't matter, what's done is done, and once again my bed is probably been laid, I've been judged, and I've been sentenced I suppose.

My time in the chat today, is possibly fleeting because of these feelings that burn so. I'm moving home next week, and hopefully getting a job and my life somewhat back on track.

But, just so you know. I'd give everything up...

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